


They Were Not Playing Poker

by Eternal_Love_Song



Series: Villains Out Shopping [4]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bucky Did Not Ask For This, Card Games, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Host Clubs, Humor, Loki Does What He Wants, Loki being derisive at strangers, M/M, Texting, Tony Stark Flirts, Verbal Abuse, Verbal Humiliation, villains out shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-25
Updated: 2015-09-25
Packaged: 2018-04-23 08:40:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4870438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eternal_Love_Song/pseuds/Eternal_Love_Song
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki plays cards.<br/>--Or--<br/>In Which, Loki just wanted to play cards, but pets require watering and feeding, and going to work is not a date.</p>
            </blockquote>





	They Were Not Playing Poker

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun with this one.

**[What are you doing?] --Human.**

Loki ignored the words that popped up on his phone, choosing to focus on his cards instead. Mystique sat to his right wearing a sultry smirk, Magento to his left, and Doom sat across from him.

"Four aces," Mystique said as she placed her cards face down on the pile in the center of the table.

"Doom does not believe you." Doom announced.

Mystique grinned as she turned her cards over. "Four aces," She repeated smugly. "Pick up the pile."

"Impossible!" Doom exclaimed. "Doom has two aces."

"Not my problem," Mystique repeated. "Pick up the pile."

Magneto groaned. "Loki, did you tamper with the deck again?"

"The game is no fun with a standard deck," Loki answered. "Too predictable."

"How are we suppose to know when someone is lying?" Magneto questioned.

"Skill." Loki told him. He looked at Doom. "Going to pick up the pile, Victor?"

"You cheat." Doom grumbled as he gathered his cards.

"The trickster cheats! What news!" Mystique said mockingly.

**[What are you doing?] --Our Human.**

Loki glanced at his phone before laying down his cards. "One two." He lifted his phone to reply to the message.

**[What concern is it of yours?] --Loki.**

There was barely a pause before the reply came.

**[You said you were getting food.]**

**[There is no food] --Our Human.**

**[Let Amora get you food.] --Loki.**

**[Amora hasn't been here in two days!] --Our Human.**

**[Needy.] --Loki.**

"Four fives," Mystique said. Loki looked up to see the game had gone on without him.

"False." Loki told her.

Mystique pouted. "Why does everyone call me out?" She picked up the small pile.

"You always look like you're lying." Loki told her. "Three sixes."

"Stereotype." Mystique grumbled.

**[What are you doing?] --My Human.**

Loki sighed at his phone as he picked it up.

**[You humans are far too nosy.] --Loki.**

"Two sevens." Magneto said.

"Six eights." Doom said.

"No way," Mystique told him, flipping over his cards, which indeed were all eights. "Dammit, Loki!" She swore as she picked up the pile.

Loki grinned. "You humans need to become more adaptable."

Mystique glared at him as she shifted form to some red head Loki didn't recognize. "I am the epitome of adaptable. And we," She gesture to Magneto and herself, "Are not humans." She tossed out her cards. "Nine."

Loki waved her off. "Close enough. You are no gods."

"Can we not do this tonight, Loki?" Magneto asked, pressing a finger to his temple.

"She is the one that started it." Loki grumbled. "One ten."

"You're cheating and you can't do any better than that?" Magneto asked. "Two jacks."

"I am not cheating!" Loki argued. "I am enhancing the game."

"You are ruining it!" Doom interjected. "One Queen."

"You're only saying that because you're losing." Loki teased.

"Three Kings." Mystique said.

"Two Jokers."

"There are Jokers in the deck now?" Mystique asked.

"You'll never now unless you call me on it, now will you." Loki told her.

Mystique glared at her, shifting into Doom and leering at him.

**[Don't be like that.] --My Human.**

"Maybe we should just play something else?" Magneto sighed.

**[I am literally locked inside the house right now.]**

**[I need food.] --Our Human**

**[Your kind cannot last a few days?] --Loki**

**[You're planning to leave me here alone for days!] --Our human.**

Loki sighed. "It seems I will have to cut out early. My pets are causing a ruckus again." Loki told them as he stood.

"When you say that, I can never tell if you mean the Avengers or if you have actually pets," Magneto replied.

"What would be the difference?" Loki shrugged. "They all need to be fed, watered, and looked after so the do not destroy themselves or go after Hydra."

"What kind of pets do you keep?" Mystique asked incredulously, returning to her natural form.

"The ambitious sort, it would seem." Doom answered. "The Trickster would probably enjoy something feline. A panther, perhaps?"

"What? No way! Loki deserves birds." Mystique said fiercely.

"My dear, just because you are fond of them..." Magneto began.

**[Look, I'm really bored right now.] --My Human.**

Loki audibly sighed again. "Duty calls." He said as he teleported away.

Loki had his arms crossed over his chest and a very impatient look on his face when he arrived back at the place he shared with Bucky an Amora. Bucky was sitting on the couch looking disgruntled. "I'm here, you may cease your whining."

"Whining? I'm starving!" Bucky exclaimed.

"Do not be so dramatic. We feed you yesterday." Loki waved him off.

"Barely."

**[Wanna hang out?] --My Human.**

Loki glanced at his phone, rolling his eyes before he replied.

**[Why would I be bothered to seek out your company?] --Loki.**

**[I can look after Bucky for you.] --My Human.**

Loki tilted his head in thought.

"What are you doing?" Bucky asked worried. "You're planning something, aren't you? Whatever it is, don't do it! Or, I don't want to do! Or... it shouldn't be done!"

"You worry too much," Loki told him.

**[Alright, so I asked what you were doing, but that was wrong. I really wanted to know whether or not you can come in today.] --Human.**

"Why are you humans clamoring for my attention today?" Loki complained.

**[Fine. I'll be there in an hour and I'll leave when I want.] --Loki.**

**[I figured as much.] --Human.**

"Get dressed. You're coming to work with me." Loki ordered firmly. "Then you'll get to stuff your face with all the ill prepared drivel you desire."

Loki replied to an earlier message.

**[Meet me at this this address in an hour. ----] --Loki.**

**[Yes!] --My Human.**

**[Do not get your hopes up. You are human watching. That is all.] --Loki.**

**[Whatever you say, sweetie.] --My Human.**

**[Do not address me by your mortal endearments!] --Loki.**

"That won't solve the issue of their being no food in the house," Bucky complained as he walked to his room.

"Some people just cannot be pleased," Loki grumbled as he began to type another message.

**[Obtain stores of food stuffs and deliver them to this address --- and I shall take over your next performance for you.] --Loki.**

**[Desperate?] --Human 2.**

**[Will you do it or not, you insufferable harlot?] --Loki.**

**[Fine. Fine. Calm your well shaped hips, I got you.] --Human 2.**

"Having pets is so exhausting sometimes." Loki said to himself.

* * *

 

"You pathetic fool. You think you are so much as worthy to sit beside me, let alone be touched by me?' Loki said derisively to the man that was sitting at his side. Loki didn't bother to look at the man, instead opting to file his nails. His feet sat propped on the table and his body angled away from the man. The man didn't seem to mind though as he blushed a bright scarlet and stammered a reply Loki didn't listen to. "You are lucky I do not make you kiss the ground beneath my feet to be worthy to even gaze upon me."

Bucky was sitting across the table, ignoring the entire spectacle as he ate.

"So... this is new." Tony said as he slid into the booth beside Bucky.

"Who is--"

"Shut your filthy mouth you insignificant worm," Loki snapped readily, though his voice was deadpanned. The man shut up promptly.

"Rude much," Tony commented.

"They pay him to be rude," Bucky commented offhandedly.

"Wait you actually work?" Tony asked. "Here?"

"I do what I want," Loki answered.

"Sometimes he works here," Bucky answered more helpfully. "Loki... does what he wants," He finished with a sigh.

"Is this some kind of..."

"Yes," Loki interrupted Tony's question. "It is and it can be, but it doesn't have to be."

"Somehow, I'm not even surprised you'd work at a place like this." Tony told him. "You have a personality that fits weird host club, fetish parlous."

Loki flung his nail file at Tony's forehead. Hard. "Ouch!" Tony exclaimed, rubbing his head.

Bucky blocked the thing from falling into his food and Loki caught it as it bounced off is hand. "Much obliged."

Bucky just rolled his eyes. "I told you he was the one with the money."

"Why don't you work?" Tony asked.

"Because he doesn't let me out of the house on my own." Bucky complained.

"It's for your own good," Loki answered.

"That sounds healthy," Tony commented.

"You have no idea," Bucky said under his breath.

"You," Loki tapped the man beside him with his nail file. "Go fetch us some drinks."

The man looked up in surprise. "But there are waiters..."

"Are you questioning me? You think you have the right, the worth, to be waited on by another human being?" Loki questioned.

"N-no, I... I mean... what... should I get?" The man asked.

Loki looked expectantly at Tony and Bucky. "Scotch." Tony said.

"Whiskey." Bucky answered.

The man nodded and looked to Loki. Loki grinned in a feral way. "Guess and if you get it wrong you'll be wearing the drink when you go back to correct your mistake."

The man nodded quickly as he got up to leave.

"This doesn't bother you?" Tony questioned curiously, looking at Bucky.

"That?" Bucky asked with a raised eyebrow. He shrugged. "Puts things in perspective when I see how hard he is on other guys. He really lays it on thick."

Loki leaned on the table, sliding his feet to the floor, eyes focused on Tony. "Does this bother you, Anthony?" He asked in a purr. "Watching me bestow all my attention onto another. Does it make you long for my subjugation? Does it make you want to beg for the chance to be under my boot heel?"

Tony stared a moment. "I wasn't bothered, but that little speech was a hell of an argument."

"Should I leave you two alone?" Bucky asked. "Because I refuse to sit here while you eye fuck each other over the table."

"What if we fuck each other on the table?" Tony asked.

Loki reached out and twirled a lock of Bucky's hair around his finger. "Feeling left out?"

"Yep, that's it!" Bucky said as he stood, but Loki pulled him back down.

"Oh, come now." Loki said. "Do not be a kill joy."

Bucky glared at him.

"You always get along like this, huh?" Tony asked.

Bucky slumped down in his seat. "You have no idea. You think life is all fun and games and fucking in fancy embassy rooms, but you don't have to put up with this 24/7."

"That only happened once!" Tony objected.

Bucky raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"It was one day, so it only happened once!" Tony told him firmly.

The man finally came back with the drinks, sitting the whiskey and scotch on the side of the booth occupied by Tony and Bucky, then he hesitated as he looked at Loki.

"Well? Have you gotten a drink for me or not, you simpleton?" Loki asked.

The man gulped, presenting the drink to Loki with trembling hands. Loki contemplated the drink a long moment before he smiled wickedly. "Drink it."

"But I thought--"

"Do not argue me, you simpering simpleton. Drink it." Loki commanded. "Slowly."

Loki leaned close to the man as he sat and began to slowly sip his drink.

"Now close your eyes." Loki whispered in a husky voice. He waited for the man to comply before slowly stroking the mans throat. "That's right. Drink it all. Don't you dare spill a drop. You've wanted to drink something from me all night, haven't you?" The man briefly choked, but he didn't spill a drop and he only paused briefly. Loki chuckled. "Is it too much for you? I've given you this precious liquid of mine and you can't even take it all?"

The man shook his head as he finished off the drink, taking in a long breath as he finished it off.

"There now," Loki purred as he stroked the man's throat once more. "Feel better?"

"Y-yes." The man said in a shaky voice.

"Good." Loki leaned away from him. "Why don't you excuse yourself. Take your time."

The man made a hasty retreat. Loki grinned over at Tony.

"Does he do that every time?" Tony asked Bucky.

"No. Sometimes he's worse, sometimes he's better. He's a pretty good host in that way." Bucky answered. Bucky was occupied with playing a game on a phone.

"If Loki's the one with the money, is he paying for that, too?" Tony asked.

"This?" Bucky held up the phone. "No, I lifted this off some guy when we came in. The stupid thing Loki gave me is only for emergencies and all it can do it call and text."

"I am so buying you people phones," Tony announced. "Wait, scratch that. I'll make them."

"Quit feeding him false hope." Loki said. He paused. "On second thought, no. You may give him a phone. Be certain that you place the Avengers contacts in it as well. You never know when he may have need of a hero."

Bucky glowered at Loki.

"You guys have a really weird fetish for the Avengers, you know that?" Tony asked them.

"Do not!" Bucky objected.

"Do you even play with other heroes?" Tony asked.

"I play with other villains." Loki replied. "Though some people like to spend all afternoon sending me inane messages when I'm trying to play cards."

"It was not inane!" Bucky objected.

"Obviously it worked," Tony said, almost at the same time. "Otherwise I'd still be bored at the Tower."

"Humans are so selfish." Loki said.

Tony slipped across the booth and sat at Loki's side. "That's not all we can be," Tony told him.

Loki looked away, trying to retain his haughty expression, but it was melting into something softer.

"I'm gone," Bucky said as he stood.

Loki turned to object, but Tony stopped him, placing a hand on is cheek. "Let him go. He can't get into that much trouble."

"You would find yourself very wrong about that." Loki told him.

"Come on, you and I haven't had any time to talk." Tony argued.

"What are you talking about? You send me annoying messages ceaselessly." Loki replied, pulling away from him.

"Yeah, and you don't respond to half of them."

"I hardly have time to constantly entertain you." Loki huffed.

"Yeah you do," Tony told him. "And I do not message you that often. You don't answer that often, and I get that, but right now, it is literally your job to entertain the people sitting at your booth and that's just me."

"You are hardly paying me."

"Don't you think it's a little late to play hard to get?" Tony asked.

"I am not playing--"

Tony didn't let Loki finish, pressing his lips to Loki's in a soft kiss. Loki made a small whimpering sound in the back of his throat and blushed as Tony pulled away. Loki turned his head so that his hair obscured part of his face.

"That was rather uncalled for." He told him.

Tony took Loki's face in both his hands and turned his head so that they were looking into each other's eyes. Tony smiled at Loki, staring at him until the god blushed again.

"What are you doing?' Loki asked. "Is this some odd human ritual?"

"Yep," Tony answered. "We like to call it a date."

"This is not a--"

"Shut up, Loki." Tony told him as he leaned in to kiss him again.

**Author's Note:**

> Quick question! What sort of wildly inappropriate pet do you think Loki may like? (Suck as a panther or a lion or something that is clearly not a pet?)


End file.
